I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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