Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
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