your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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