nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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