Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
