Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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