Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
