So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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