Apparently you make a good broom.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
