dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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