I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
