shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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