So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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