I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
