At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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