I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
