I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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