everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
