We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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