My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
