Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
