now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
