Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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