He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
