the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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