On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
