I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
