I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize