Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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