So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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