We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
