you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
