ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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