Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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