They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
