I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I just forgot I was standing up.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
