ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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