sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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