I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
