when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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