just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
