I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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