no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
