I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I understand Curling. That high.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
