The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
