i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
