you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
