I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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