did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
