i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Randomize
