I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize