I hate your face
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
