No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
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