We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
