Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
