I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I look better un-naked...
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
