It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
