The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
