I'm jealous of your bromance
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
