I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize