omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
