Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
