I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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