This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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