I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
