you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
