She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
It was confusing and full of hummus
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
