my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just took my morning after pill in the library
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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