if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
