tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
