paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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